Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I Don't Want to Think About it Anymore!

It consumes my thoughts and I can't take it anymore!  Ever since my daughter was about one, my husband and I started talking about having another baby.  I learned (or so I thought) from the period of time we spent "trying" to conceive her that we are not in control and it will happen in God's perfect timing.  So, we just stopped preventing. 

About a year ago, I was reading about the building of the tabernacle in the Bible and I came to this idea that God has designed things to work in a specific way.  He designed a woman's body to give birth and He designed conception to happen a certain way, so I decided to take a little more action in getting to know my body.  I used fertility monitors and I went to doctors and they said that everything is normal with my body.  Then, I began to really get discouraged and I tried to figure out why God was not allowing us to have another child - were we supposed to adopt?  would I not be able to handle another child?  maybe we couldn't financially afford another child?  would my daughter react badly to having a sibling?  The questions go on and on. 

I went to another doctor, secretly I went because I was thinking there is something wrong and I just want her to tell me what it is and that I can't have anymore children.  Several of my friends recommended this doctor so I was excited about the appointment.  Well, she gave me some options - neither of which are right for me and also gave me a "plan" to use over the next 6 months.  This brought me to my tears - I do not want to go on a fertility drug, I do not want to "plan" when to be intimate with my husband, I do not want to think about this anymore!

Recently, I started reading the book Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow - excellent book about being content and trusting in God's faithfulness to lead even when you don't feel like He's doing the right thing.  So humbling!  This book got me thinking about where I am and the moments I was missing out on b/c I was so focused on having another child.

Also, I talked with a friend who asked me, "Can you be content with just having one child?"  "Can you be content with the blessings He has for you now?"  I didn't know how to respond, my head says sure I can, I know there is a possibility God may not ever give us another child, but my heart hurts when I think of that. 

Not too long ago, I also spoke with my mom about the book I was reading and about this situation - she reminded me of the Israelites desiring to have a king and God told them they didn't need a king - He was enough for them.  They still continued to ask and so God relented to giving them a king.  Well, I certainly do not want God to give me something that isn't in my best interest and isn't in His will for me. 

So, I have relinquished this to My Father in Heaven, who knows I still desire to have another child, but more so I desire to walk the path He is leading me in.  I am not going to continue to pray for another child, and those of you who I have asked to pray for me to have another child - I ask you to change your prayer that I would be content and joyful and excited to be a daughter of the King and to relish in the blessings He has given me and to continue to remember how far He has brought me. 


  1. Sending you so much love and more understanding than you can imagine. Love you, friend.

  2. I read Calm My Anxious Heart when we were trying to conceive Will. That book really changed my heart and my view of my relationship with the Lord. Praying for you!

  3. We went through the same thing Emily. Although there was actually a medical reason for us not conceiving so quickly. I spent years hating myself for not being able to get pregnant and the same as you wondering why I was not allowed to have nother one. Finally I decided (we were on fertility drugs) right before we started super ovulation that I did not want to do it anymore and it was breaking me down and I let go of it. Sure enough 9 months later Anthony arrived. I think if you spend to much time worring about it your body reacts to that. Let it be just like you said and when your body is ready and its time for you to have another blessing in yourself you will get it sure enough. (((HUGGS))
    Let me know though if you wanna talk because I know its hard and it hurts.