They Said No

We had our home study and after 6 hours of questions on many topics the lady left with a concerned look on her face.  She called 10 minutes after she had left and said for us not to do anything else until she had presented our file to her supervisor.  I went back and forth with my emotions for the next few days. One minute I would think, "surely they would not let us spanking our daughter one time in the last 8 months keep us from adopting" and the next minutes I would think, "They are not going to approve us."  I talked to friends and family about how I would handle it if they said no and my mom said, "You can prepare all you want, but it will still be hard."

Tuesday afternoon, she called and said that the committee had pre-screened our file and decided that they were not comfortable with us moving forward with the process.  They gave several reasons, but the biggest one was our use of spanking as a form of discipline for our daughter.  She kept saying, "We are not saying you are bad parents," but I wanted to scream at her, "it sure sounds like it."  It was like a knife through my chest.  My husband was in shock and my daughter very confused as to why they won't let us adopt now.

We do not know what we will do at this point.  I know my emotions are all over the place - I guess I am going through the various stages of grief because one minute I am fine, then sad, then angry and then totally confused.  Does God want us to move forward with a different agency?  Should we just stop seeking to grow our family?  Maybe we are not meant to have anymore children in our home.  How could they not let a family who is willing to provide a safe and loving home to a child be able to do that?  None of it makes sense to our family.

It will take time, but I know our family will heal.  We appreciate and covet your prayers for peace and comfort because I know they are helping -otherwise I know I would have completely fallen apart by now.

Third Trimester

We sent in the adoption package in January.  I said it felt like when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, like "this is really happening!"  We went through the "pain" of getting the paperwork together, finding people to be references, finding somebody to be our alternate caregiver, etc. 

 Next, we went through the "knowledge" section of this process.  We took lots of classes to help prepare us for whatever child gets placed with us (although I don't think you can ever fully be prepared until it actually happens). 

 Now, we are in the final phase.  It really feels like the third trimester of pregnancy to me.  We are getting the house ready - painting the room, organizing, putting latches on cabinets, etc. I am definitely nesting and trying super hard not to be too nagging to my husband to get things completed. 

The lady from the agency is coming to our house this Saturday to do our home study!  It is very exciting and a little surreal to think we are finally at the end.  I'm sure after the home study when Lord willing they say we are able to open our home for children then it will be the waiting game, just like waiting and not knowing when your baby will be born.  We will be waiting to get a placement - unsure of when it will be or what gift God has in store for us.  Will our child be healthy or have medical concerns?  What will our child's personality be?  Will Lilly and the new child get along?  There are so many unknowns but I know God has it all under control.