They Said No

We had our home study and after 6 hours of questions on many topics the lady left with a concerned look on her face.  She called 10 minutes after she had left and said for us not to do anything else until she had presented our file to her supervisor.  I went back and forth with my emotions for the next few days. One minute I would think, "surely they would not let us spanking our daughter one time in the last 8 months keep us from adopting" and the next minutes I would think, "They are not going to approve us."  I talked to friends and family about how I would handle it if they said no and my mom said, "You can prepare all you want, but it will still be hard."

Tuesday afternoon, she called and said that the committee had pre-screened our file and decided that they were not comfortable with us moving forward with the process.  They gave several reasons, but the biggest one was our use of spanking as a form of discipline for our daughter.  She kept saying, "We are not saying you are bad parents," but I wanted to scream at her, "it sure sounds like it."  It was like a knife through my chest.  My husband was in shock and my daughter very confused as to why they won't let us adopt now.

We do not know what we will do at this point.  I know my emotions are all over the place - I guess I am going through the various stages of grief because one minute I am fine, then sad, then angry and then totally confused.  Does God want us to move forward with a different agency?  Should we just stop seeking to grow our family?  Maybe we are not meant to have anymore children in our home.  How could they not let a family who is willing to provide a safe and loving home to a child be able to do that?  None of it makes sense to our family.

It will take time, but I know our family will heal.  We appreciate and covet your prayers for peace and comfort because I know they are helping -otherwise I know I would have completely fallen apart by now.

A Reminder from My Girl

We mailed the adoption application in last week!  We are so excited and nervous!

Since we started filling out the application, I have been praying for the "potential" child (or children) that will join our family.  Asking God to watch over the child and keep him or her out of harms way. 

Well, today I was praying for our future child and Lilly stopped me afterward.  She said, "You know, Mom, there are lots of children out there without a mom or a dad.  You shouldn't just be praying for the one coming to our family, but all the rest of them too."

Ouch!

As my husband said, "Out of the mouths of babes.."

So, as a reminder from my sweet girl, I will be praying for all the orphans out there tonight. 

The Suitcase

There is a suitcase sitting on our bedroom floor.  It pretty much stays there all the time because my husband travels so much.

The suitcase reminds me that he will have to leave again.  Seems like while he is home we pretty much live with the "Only ___ days until you leave again." attitude.  When he is away, we live with the "Only ___ days until you get home" attitude.

Neither way is reminding me to cherish the moments that are now. 

 I am choosing now to look at the suitcase and be reminded  that we may not have many days until he is away, but I will be thankful for the time we have while he is home. 

 I will be reminded that I need to show him each day that I love and honor him, and that I am happy he chose me to be his wife. 

I am choosing now to let the suitcase remind me that God is in control of the amount of days we have together and I will be content with that and not think about the past or the present but the now.

Harder than I thought (41-65)

If you normally read my blog, then you know that I've started a list of things I am thankful for...I'm trying to get to 1,000 w/o repeating any.  So, here's the next bunch:

41 - solitude (especially after being surrounded by lots of people)
42 - seeing a smiling face when I enter a room
43 - hot, hot showers/baths
44 - twinkling lights on a Christmas tree
45 - Christmas displays that include the Nativity - yeah, Baby Jesus!
46 - glass of cold water when I'm parched
47 - hearing stories from older women around me
48 - hearing a good piece of parenting advice that I know I can use
49 - being able to be honest and truthful with my friends
50 - happy expressions when people open a gift I have given them (I'm not the greatest gift-giver so I cherish the moments when I actually did well)
51 - a gift I wasn't expecting
52 - time with family, even if nobody is talking
53 - playing games w/ family and friends
54 - true laughs from those around me
55 - people who are willing to be open and honest with me
56 - knowing that all my "needs" are met - I have everything I need in Christ!
57 - anticipation of change - knowing that I can plan all I want, but God already has it under control
58 - many hands doing the same thing - makes the job much easier..usually!
59 - teaching my daughter something new
60 - learning something new myself
61 - the intriguing mind of a 2 year old
62 - the entertainment of a 2 year old
63 - the entertainment of all the people God has created
64 - living in a free country where I can worship God
65 - music, especially praise music

A Thousand Gifts I Cherish (#21-#40)

#21 - For this time of year when we can celebrate Jesus!
#22 - For living in a place that doesn't get too cold.
#23 - For being able to watch the squirrels find food in our back yard
#24 - For eyes that I can see with - although I pray that God will help me see other's more like He sees them
#25 - For ears that I can hear with ..praying that God is the filter of what is heard and retained by those ear.
#26 - For a nose to smell with
#27 - For a mouth to eat with so I can get nourishment into my body
#28 - For legs to walk on - I pray I can walk where the Lord wants me to go with them
#29 - For hands that I can use for many things -I pray that they be used to glorify The Lord God that created me



#30 - For a mind that works, i can make decisions and think about the things I hear, see and do
#31 - Thankful for the little voice in the morning that says, "I'm awake, the sun's up, Mommy!"
#32 - For a little daughter who loves and nurtures her baby dolls and shows compassion.
#33 - For the time in the evening, after my daughter has gone to sleep, to spend time w/ my husband - reading God's word and praying and laughing about the day
#34 - For people who have a different point of view and make me stop and think about my own
#35 - For books and literature that help me evaluate what I hope to gain from parenting my child and help me raise her in a godly way
#36 - For the lights on our Christmas tree that remind me of childhood Christmases.
#37 - To have met people who have less than me and learn first hand that people's happiness isn't dependant upon the amount of $ or "stuff" they have.
#38 - To have met people who have more than me and find out that just b/c they have more doesn't make them happier or better or any of those things we sometimes think.
#39 - To see my husband laugh and smile - I love it when he smiles just for me, but it makes me beam to see him happy in a group setting.
#40 - For girl's nights out when I am encouraged and can just be me - not mom or wife (even though I am honored to have those titles.)

Being Grateful #11-#20

11.  To live in a country that allows me to freely read my Bible and worship at church without fear of being harmed physically.

12.  To be able to keep in touch with my family and friends through the technology we have today.
13.  For friends who are there to encourage me when I need them.
14.  For having lived in enough places to know that the grass is not always greener on the other side, so to be thankful for the place God has placed me in at the moment and not always think about how much better some other place will be.

15.  For the opportunity to have experienced living in another country.
16.  For all the trials that I have had in my life - they have helped shape me into the person I am now.
17.  That I am in a peaceful place in my life.
18.  For a house that has heat when it is cold outside.
19.  For a house that has a/c when it is hot outside.
20.  For a daughter who desires to be near me at every moment ( I know it won't last forever).

One Thousand Gifts (1-10)

I'm starting late, but I know that I have well more than a thousand things to be thankful for.  Some things come to mind so easily so I hope I don't repeat any of them. :)

1.  A new life in Christ!  Many of you may not notice the difference in me, but I know the reason behind why I do many of the things I do is changed because of HIM!  Before I would do things to get the credit for myself, now (most of the time) I do them to glorify my Creator, the one who knows every hair on my head and who has the perfect plan for me!  He created me to worship Him so that is what I aim to do!

2.  A husband who loves God and his family.
3.  A husband who is responsible and supports our family so that I can stay home w/ our daughter.
4.  A loving little 2 year old daughter who is curious about everything.
5.  A mom who listens to me go on and on about my day and provides advice
6.  A dad who is there when I need him.
7.  A younger sister who makes me smile and often acts like the older one. :)
8.  A younger brother who is so talented
9.  A much younger brother who amazes me every time I spend time w/ him
10.  Step parents who love my parents.